I used to be terrified to speak up for myself.
Funny huh? I teach folks how to be confident and speak up for themselves, and yet a few years ago I was such a people pleaser that I never spoke up for myself. I let everyone else get what they wanted and sacrificed what I wanted in the process.
I’m not quite sure what broke me – I do know that it wasn’t some movie moment where I got fed up and yelled “I’m looking out for me now!” and stormed off from the narcissist I was talking to. That would have been a pretty amazing story, but it was much more of a slow burn to finally look out for myself. When it clicked into place, I haven’t looked back since.
Here are four things I tapped into that helped me speak up for myself – and a client story to go along with it. Give them a whirl and see how they work in your life!
Figure out what’s actually bothering you
Getting to the source of the issue is a tough one. A client of mine was really upset a few weeks ago because of a negative review on her performance report. She was near tears when she came into our coaching session, and I wasn’t convinced it was actually THAT that was upsetting her. Turns out, the more we talked the more she realized that it wasn’t the report that was bothering her, it was the massive amount of work that a coworker kept throwing on her that led to the missed responsibility, that led to the performance report ding.
It’s often not the thing that sets you off. The core is usually deeper! Take a moment to WHY your discomfort or anger. When we talked about it, I first asked, “Why are you mad about the performance report?” and she replied, “I didn’t deserve it!” and my response, as you might guess, was “Why didn’t you deserve it?” It only took a few “whys” to end up at the source.
Do your homework and write some notes
After we tapped into what was really bothering her, we started to bullet point out ways to talk to her coworker. She knew that she should have been more assertive in saying no in the beginning (more on that later) but since she couldn’t go back and say no, she had to move forward and say no. Instead of placing the blame on the coworker, she decided to develop a plan to say no for future situations where work might get passed off on her.
Taking a few notes in advance and taking time to dig into what you want to say – and removing emotions from it – is critical to get your point across. She was so furious she cried, remember? Going into a situation with that level of emotion is only going to end poorly, or cause you to forget what you’re about to say! Jot down critical points.
Pull them aside and make time
Nothing good comes from those movie moments. This one is straight and to the point – don’t just attack someone because you’re ready to stand up for yourself. There is a chance that person isn’t a complete and utter sociopath, and they aren’t being malicious with you – and while you still need to stand up for yourself, you don’t need to drop a giant bomb on your relationship with this person.
My client reached out to her coworker with a meeting request – when they asked for the purpose of the meeting, she said it was about changes to her workflow. Short and simple always wins.
Use statements like “I think” – assertive communication
We planned for this moment by creating assertive statements from her notes. By using phrases with “I think” she created factual statements (because, she thinks it! It’s a fact, and she owned it!) These are also hallmarks of assertive language – an I statement and ownership of thoughts.
How did it all go? Well, she no longer has to do the work of her coworker – and again, it wasn’t some big movie moment. Whether her coworker was aware of it or not, they accepted that she wasn’t taking on more work than she could handle, and she started to build the habit of speaking up for herself using these four easy steps. If you’re feeling a bit too much like a doormat, try these! As usual, figure out how to adapt and edit to make it work best for you, and let me know how it goes, or if you get stuck, always feel free to reach out!